Three Years Ago Today

This will always be a difficult day.

One Year Ago Today

Two Years Ago Today

If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please, seek help, 1-800-SUICIDE, that's 1-800-784-2433. Killing yourself may end your pain, but it only creates more for those left behind.

Two Years Ago Today

I told myself I wouldn’t post about it this year, but it was a night that changed mine and my daughters’ lives forever. How do I not acknowledge it somehow? Some may think I’m giving it power over me, but I feel as though every time I talk about it, that power weakens and makes me a stronger person.

Two years ago today a man committed suicide by walking into the path of our car.

It was a little after 8 p.m., my daughters and I had just left a shopping center we rarely went to because it was a bit of a drive. Shortly after getting on to Highway 101, I had settled into the far-left lane, Dawn sitting in the passenger seat to my right, Valerie in the back seat directly behind me. Traffic was light, it was very dark, no lights shine on that particular stretch of highway. In a flash, I saw the man as he stepped across the line from the middle lane into mine. There was nothing I could do, all at once I heard myself make a noise (of disbelief, a person!), slammed on my brakes, held tight to the steering wheel and turned my face toward my side window and away from the windshield’s glass and dirt from the highway that hit us full on as this person made impact and then tumbled along the length of our car.

I managed to get my window down so I could see where I was going and pull the car over to the median. We didn’t spin out. We didn’t flip. We were alive! Dawn and I were spitting out shattered glass and dirt, and I kept screaming, “I hit a person! I hit a person!” and Dawn kept looking at me like she wasn’t hearing me (later she said her brain told her it was a tree or a pole or something). We couldn’t wrap our brains around what happened. I wouldn’t let anyone leave the car because I’d heard of people getting hit by passing cars. Or maybe I was frozen with fear, I don’t know, but when we saw headlights pull over behind us, we finally crawled out of the car, all of us covered with tiny shards of glass (weeks later we were still finding it in our skin).

Valerie, my brave Valerie, told us to stay where we were and walked back toward the headlights of the CHP, the man’s body silhouetted on the ground in front of them. We watched as she spoke with the officer, watched as he bent down to check the still figure on the ground. When she walked back to us and told us the man was dead I felt like I had lost my mind, the grief was so all encompassing. It was a night that never ended.

When I would hear about people having some type of catastrophic experience I’d think, oh, man, how awful, those poor people and then go on with my life. But now I look at them in a whole new way, I know the terror, fear, grief doesn’t stop when the incident is over. We have yet to find the right counselor(s) to help us work through this properly. It’s better, but we’ve all been left with PTSD and still struggle with what happened. The nightmares are less frequent, but I still have them, and sometimes I can’t get it together enough to get dressed, cook dinner, clean house, let alone go anywhere. I especially don’t like to drive, but I do it because it’s such an integral part of my independence.

But the thing that makes me feel the saddest is how it took away the innocence of my daughters, that joy that is innate in all of us before something tarnishes us. We are working to bring some of that joy back into all of our lives. We are broken, but who isn’t to some degree? We will be okay.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9

Killing yourself may end your pain, but it only creates more for those left behind. If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please, seek help, 1-800-SUICIDE, that’s 1-800-784-2433.

International Suicide Prevention Wiki

Photo via http://nurseweb.ucsf.edu/www/as-v.htm

A Random Act of Kindness, Just When We Needed It Most

We have two rooms booked for next week, one double bed in each one (none available w/2 doubles), and one with an extra fold-down for 6 people for the 5-8 days we’ll be at UC San Francisco for my sister’s kidney transplant. One is for my sister and her hubby (they need this night alone before such a serious procedure), who will be heading up to SF in the afternoon after her dialysis treatment on Wednesday. The other one is for my sister’s daughter, my two daughters (one being the donor), and me. We plan to be there early afternoon on Wednesday as my daughter has to do some prepping for the early morning surgery.

We were just going to muddle through because at $88 plus tax and whatever service charges will be incurred, it’s all we could swing. A little fridge and microwave are included, yay, so we’re packing groceries to save on meals. Daughter #1 (I have twins) and I may be switching off spending the night in Daughter #2’s hospital room the night of the surgery and the few days that follow.

The RAK: A member of my sister's church, who insists on remaining anonymous, has donated some funds to be used for an additional room the first night (which I just booked with 2 single beds, whew!), gas, parking, meals and whatever other expenses come up. I cannot tell you what a difference this will make.

Additionally, and this is a biggie for me because I have claimed this responsibility, help with transportation to UCSF in the coming months has been assured. As with her previous transplants, after the transplant, my sister will have to go to UCSF once a week on one of their two clinic days for blood work, other labs and check-ups for at least 6 weeks straight, then taper to every other week, then to once a month as she stabilizes. It means getting on the road by 5:00-5:30 a.m. (to be there to find a parking spot in the humongous underground arena, get in line for labs, then head to clinic to see the doctor), and then heading back home anywhere between 10 a.m. and Noon. We are looking at a long few months ahead, but because of the kindness of others, it might not seem so long.

Consider doing a random act of kindness. Be it a few bucks in the pocket of someone in need, paying for the person behind you in line, sending a note of encouragement in the mail, or telling someone how awesome they are, whatever it is, big or small, it can make all the difference to the one(s) who receives it.

Make New Friends, But Keep The Old

Silly goofers

I love making new friends, but the old ones, well, they bring comfort just being in their presence. We had a gathering of old friends this past weekend and had a blast. We stuffed our faces, talked about old times and caught up on the new things that are happening all around us.

From this picture you wouldn't know that Phyllis (in red) is a 3-time cancer survivor, Debbie (behind her) has undergone major heart surgery, Twila (in purple) is traveling 250 miles each way on a regular basis to tend to her elderly parents' needs, Susan (in brown) is starting over, Martha has had 3 kidney transplants and is gearing up for a fourth, and that I am still struggling with the repercussions of a stranger's suicide by car (mine).

We don't get together as often as we should, and it had been a long while since our last get-together. The hours passed much too quickly, just as the years have, but it was so comfortable, it was like not a minute was lost between us.

We needed this. And we will always need each other.

A Great Day

On the subject of our trip to UC San Francisco this past Friday: It went much better than I fretted over, yay! Traffic at 4:30 a.m. was light, my daughter’s testing (she is possible kidney donor for my sister) went very quickly and we were back on the road by 9:30 a.m. Great company made all the difference. A wonderful lunch at Gino's was icing on the cake!

On the subject of a significant milestone: I hadn’t driven “the spot” of Highway 101 since the night the guy walked in front of our car. Going by it on the way up in the dark wasn’t as bad as I anticipated, but one of my daughters quietly cried through it.

On the way home, while driving by the exact spot, white-knuckling it, I looked over and there was a CHP to the right of me in the next lane, just enough ahead of me to make it seem as though he was escorting me, even though he didn’t know it. It was a good reminder that I always have a co-pilot anyway. Thanks to everyone who said they were praying for me, I could feel it the entire trip. Whew.

As the stone was rolled away....

As the stone was rolled away...., a photo by wvgasguy on Flickr.

Get Help

This has been a heartbreaking story to follow:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/TV/02/25/growing.pains.actor.dead/index.html?hpt=T1


I have so much respect for the father of this man, to make a plea to others who might be going through a difficult time to please, seek help. Listen to him. There is always hope.

Note: I'm trying to get some of my old self back after the accident and making headway. Hang in there with me, I'm working on putting something fun together!