A Year

Pacific Grove, Asilomar

February 11, 2016, marked a year since my sister has been gone from our lives. I can't believe it's been that long since I lost my sister, my person. I miss her every single day.

My daughters, niece (Martha's daughter), and I went to Pacific Grove and left flowers and a wildly painted cross Valerie made (which is so like her Ant Mart). What started out as a difficult day, turned out to be a lovely one spent with my favorite people. Martha would have loved it.

Unexpected Grief

The Last Gift

I had a sort of a meltdown the other night at Target.

Christmas 2014, my sister gave me a Target gift card. It was the last gift she ever gave me. I’ve been carrying it around in my wallet, not intending to spend it. But how stupid to let it go to waste (she wouldn’t have liked that). Spend it and save the card, silly.

So my daughters and I were in line at Target and I gave the guy two gift cards (Dawn gave me the other one). It was quite hectic and he was an idiot, so in the moment of Dawn and I trying to bag stuff up and him using the two gift cards plus my debit card, he failed to give the gift cards back to me, and I forgot to ask. I usually use them in my crafting (they’re great for applying paint and glue), but I wanted to keep Martha’s card forever.

When I asked him for my cards back he said, “Oh, I threw them away, sorry.” And I said, “But…I’d like them back, please.” He looked down at the garbage box at his feet and started to bend down, but he didn’t and just said, “Sorry, they’re in the garbage.” And so I said, “But I’d like them back, please. My sister gave me one of them and now she’s dead.” He looked at the garbage again and just shrugged his shoulders and repeated himself. So I thought, okay, you’re making this into a bigger deal than it should be, it’s just a card. I finished paying and waited for my daughters to buy their stuff.

But the longer I stood there, the more I wanted her card back, and then I started getting anxious and teary. I kept telling myself, it’s just a card, stop being a baby about it. But I couldn’t and so I mumbled to Dawn I had to leave and ran/walked out, crying, unable to control myself. I sat in the car and bawled. Over a stupid piece of plastic.

And then Dawn called me and asked what the card looked like, did it have penguins or dogs on it and I said penguins, but when she brought it to me I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to just keep it and pretend it was okay because I was being stupid and their thoughtfulness trumped everything.

But they wouldn’t let it go and went back inside to the register and rummaged through the garbage bin themselves and brought me every single card they thought was anywhere near what I thought it looked like. They embarrassed themselves in front of all of those customers and made that guy allow them to look through that nasty box of garbage at his feet.

My daughters did that for me!

And so I continued to cry, but it was from happiness from the love they showed for me. This was in-my-face-we-would-do-anything-for-you love, but they did it with grace.

They did that.

For me.

Martha's Birthday

Today is my sister Martha's birthday. She loved sunflowers, so this is for her.

Martha was the perfect birthday girl. She celebrated the entire month of November and loved it when people wanted to take her to lunch or a movie. If she were here I would have made her a card and my daughters and I would have spoiled her in some way as we did every year. I will try to be happy and laugh because that's what she helped others do when they were in a tough spot. I don't know what else to say except that I miss Martha, my person who loved life and lived it to her fullest, so very much.

I Miss My Sister Constantly

I picked up this Stamping Bella stamp at the Sacramento scrapbooking expo earlier this month. It reminded me just how much I'm missing my sister Martha. So I worked it into one of the playing cards from the deck I've been playing with the last few months.

As usual, I started with a coat of white gesso, glued on pieces of torn brown paper (to represent clouds or haze) I saved from some packaging, gave it a coat of gel medium, colored it with Distress and Copic markers, then tried to make rays of sunshine from Stickles glitter glue. I wanted to write that I miss her, but while looking for words, "unconditional" spoke to me.

I had intended to color and save this piece for a greeting card, but my Copic decided to take a leak all over my work. Why does an $8 maker even do something like that?! (No, I do not refill my pens, it came this way.) So I cut out what I thought I could save and used it in my mixed media piece. I'm glad I did.

My sister loved me unconditionally. I miss her constantly.

We had a beautifully peaceful family time today seeing that my sister's ashes were tucked into place. The deer were out and about and the smell of the ocean filled the air, just the type of day Martha would have loved. Her niche is very close to their little chapel. The cemetery is right next door to a golf course where deer run free, and with no sense of the city about you. It's lovely. Our family will be forever grateful to our friend Janis for making this day possible.

Absence Unintended

 Photo by Martha Robison

I can't believe we're in the midst of March. So much has happened this year already it's impossible to post it all. But the most important event in my life is the loss of my big sister Martha on February 11, 2015.

Marty fought the good fight all of her life without complaint. We talked, texted and/or spoke on the phone daily. She was my life-long best friend, confidante, cheerleader, personal comedian and prayer warrior. My life is forever changed, but so is hers...she's pain free and dancing down streets paved with gold!

Life is different without my sister in it. I don't know if I'll ever get used to this new norm. I thought losing my mom was tough, but man, this has been a punch in the gut like nothing I've ever experienced. I guess it speaks volumes about our relationship and the impact she's had on my entire life.

There were approximately 400 people in attendance at Martha's memorial service. Talk about speaking volumes.

Today We Celebrate Life!

A year ago today my daughter Valerie donated a kidney to my sister Martha. A few of us our getting together to share a meal and appreciate the love and fierce loyalty we have for one another. The Lord has blessed us beyond measure.

Photo: Martha and 3 of her 4 kidney donors (our sister Mary passed away last year). Martha at the forefront, our brother Burt (the hairy dude), my daughter Valerie and our brother John. Each of Martha’s 4 kidney transplants in her 60-years of life have been considered successful. Contrary to popular belief, transplanted organs can last anywhere from a few months to 20 or 30 years.

Please consider organ donation, the ultimate gift of life.

I Lost My Big Sister Today

 
My big sister Mary passed away today, much more peacefully than did our mother. She was number 3 of the 4 sons and 3 daughters born of our parents, and she was the first of the sibling to die.

 

L-R: Martha, Mary, Dorothy

Three sisters, taken a few weeks before Mary's death

When my mom had to go to work to help support our family, Mary was like a second mother to us younger brothers and sisters . She cooked, cleaned, drove us around, worried about us, was my Brownie scout leader and the best piggy-back ride-giver, ever. She carried me around until my feet just about dragged the ground, she spoiled me so. She loved our sister Martha so much she donated one of her kidneys to her (as did my brothers Burt and John before her), which has lasted now for well over ten years. For all of that goodness we enjoyed, there were some equally rough years relationship-wise, but in the end we put them aside and just loved one another.

One of my friends, Jane, said my post about our family's loss on Facebook, "No longer 7, we are 6," brought to mind " 'We Are Seven,' by William Wordsworth, one of innumerable recitations my grandmother memorized as a child. She could still recite it word for word at age 100." Jane was so right.